Identity
“Identity? Is your idea of who you are a set one and does it have clear parameters around it? Was your identity shaped by your parents and your upbringing? Has it been influenced by events in your life? By things that have happened to you and perhaps also by things that have not happened for you? Do you consider that your identity is pretty much established now or is it still very much a work in progress?
Who we are, how we talk and what we walk in, are I think evolving concepts and are affected by the stages of our lives: childhood, adolescence, adulthood, marriage, parenthood, middle age, retirement, old age. Within these more clearly defined categories, are others, like the kind of work we do or career (if we are lucky enough to have one), and this again affects our sense of who we are. Like a layer of identity we wear, similar to a uniform, whether we are a nurse or a policeman or not, we may not have an actual uniform but our behaviour may mirror one. As a male, it is still very common to be asked when in company, “what do you do for a living?” As the stereotypical, but very outdated, hunter/providers we are supposed to be, gathering in groups at parties and greeting each other with these exploratory questions, about how we provide for our culturally assumed dependents within the tribe.
“So our identities are clearly made up of various degrees of our manifested self, which like a glimpse of a bird’s wing, not fully unfurled, may appear to be a mere ruffle of feathers.”
Our identity then has layers like an onion, and tears can be generated when peeling back those layers, when life asks us to reveal our softer underbelly. Social chit chat and small talk, almost always, requires us to create an outer layer, made up of generalisations based on gender, age, occupation and perhaps wealth or status; depending on where this social interaction may be taking place. For many people the creation of this outer persona can remove them from a keener sense of their self, from operating out of a perspective which is closer to their heartfelt values. Living your life, predominantly inside a persona such as this, can be a way of hiding, for those who are unsure of their acceptance within their community. Very often, it is actually a lack of self-acceptance, which underlies behaviours such as these. Our intimate identity, our sense of being more closely linked to what we truly value and feel, is more often shared with those nearest and dearest to us. In many cases we need to feel a certain security in the behaviours of those closest to us before we will reveal our true natures. So our identities are clearly made up of various degrees of our manifested self, which like a glimpse of a bird’s wing, not fully unfurled, may appear to be a mere ruffle of feathers.”
©Sudha Hamilton – excerpt from his book House Therapy: Discovering who you really are at home.
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